Sunday, January 28, 2007

I'm Brother Kojak...The Wife Beater

It's been awhile since I posted.
I've been busy buying a new car and trying to find a job. I guess most people try to find a job first but I'm not most people. I'm different. Of course most people who are married help each other out. I don't. In fact, I pimp my wife(MS Kojak). She pays the mortgage and all the bills. In fact, I even had her pay my over $300 cell phone bills because I like to talk to the ladys, if you know what I mean. I have her pay my cell phone bill and I hardly ever call her. By the way, I have a new car, Ms. Kojak still drives her old falling apart car.

Of course Ms. Kojak knows better than to argue with me. I'm a big man and during our marriage I've had to knock her head around many times. She forgets that I can do whatever I want whenever I want. She's called the police a couple of times and I have even been arrested. But that don't stop me from hitting her. All I have to do is beat her up in front of little Kojak (He's got to learn how to treat a woman), then I take little Kojak away from Ms. Kojak and I take him to my mother's place. That way I can keep little Kojak away from Ms. Kojak so that she suffers even more. If Ms. Kojak goes to my mother's place, my mother calls the police to keep Ms. Kojak away from little Kojak. My mom knows the laws and she supports me in everyway, especially when it comes to beating and putting Ms. Kojak in her place.

In fact, just this last Thursday, I had to put Ms. Kojak in her place. Ms. Kojak works all night long and tries to get some sleep during the day, of course if I think it's ok. Because I'm a big man and can do whatever I want. Well, Ms. Kojak wakes up and gets ready for work. She then tells me that I had to clean dog shit that my dog left in the basement. I just gave her a look like if she's crazy telling me what to do. She started reminding me about my responsibilities when it comes to the dog. I then gave her my answer. I pushed her hard and she started to lose her balance. I then grabbed her by her hair and dragged Ms. Kojak across the floor. You should have heard her cry. I then started kicking her across the floor real hard. Good thing she wasn't pregnant because I would have kicked her hard in the stomach because I don't want any children with her anymore. By the time I was finished with her I left her all bruised up. I also left a large scratch on her face. I spent so much time beating her that we lost track of time. She was late for work. She better not let that happen again because she's got to pay all the bills so that I can eat, have place to sleep, and basically pimp my way around. Little Kojak was able to see all this and learn how a big man should treat his wife. When he gets older and learns about the ladys, I'll teach him some more. For example, a big man like me can have many girlfriends while being married. I can have sex with anyone I want and Ms. Kojak better keep it to herself unless she's willing to go a couple of rounds with me. In fact, I can spend a couple of nights away from home and she better not even dare ask me where I've been. And when I do decide to come back, that house better be clean or else I'll mop the floor with her. Anyways, getting back to last Thursday. I took little Kojak to my mom's place so that when Ms. Kojak returns home after working all night 12 hrs plus, she would come back home to find the house empty without little Kojak. I did that to teach her not to mess with me Brother Kojak. I even let little Kojak call her after a day has gone by, to remind her what she's missing.

That reminds me. I don't just beat up Ms. Kojak. I also like to beat up little Kojak too. I know he's only 9 years old but he's got to learn some respect. All I have to do is call out his name loudly and you should see him get all nervous and tremble. Sometimes he's so scared of me, he has to beg me to let him go pee. I really love that boy! I'm going to beat him up so that he can grow up to be a strong man like me.

The only other thing on my mind is getting back into school because my last degree is going nowhere fast. It's a shame I can't be as successful as Ms. Kojak. Well she's paying all the bills so who cares. I've been thinking about going to law school. I'm wondering though, if my prior arrest as a wife beater might interfere with that idea. It better not or Ms. Kojak got's some slapping coming her way. That would be nice if I could go to law school and become important like Ms. Kojak. So far I'm good with the ladys but if I was a lawyer with all that money, I wouldn't need Ms. Kojak anymore to pay my bills. I could then get my own place and have all kind of women.

Well I'm kind of getting tired of typing because my fingers our sore. Probably from all the slapping I gave Ms. Kojak last Thursday night.

I know in the past we have been doing TTTT. Instead I think I will post everytime I decide to beat up Ms. Kojak or little Kojak. I know you monkeys would rather read about my latest boxing matches than read stupid stuff I've put up so far.

And if any of you monkeys like beating up women too, please leave your comments on my blog.
So please check back often to see if there is more wife or child beatings going on in my life.

Brother Kojak, the real big man!

Friday, January 12, 2007

That Pumped Up Purple


It's hard to believe that the hardest garment to get in this city is anything with the color Purple. No, not Whoopi Goldberg and them, the actual color purple. Today is Spirit Day in B-more and damn it you wouldn't believe it. I took the Offspring to get a fake out jersey for him and a cheap-ass Raven's coach shirt for me. HOWEVER, there was no purple to be found. The Offspring; poor kid. He's so clueless sometimes. We found a nice shirt with purple in it, but it wasn't a Ravens shirt and it was a tad big. He wasn't feeling it, so he might be assed out as being one of the few kids sans purple today. Uh oh. I have 2 young jerseys, but I'm not rockin' either one of them because my physique is all banged up and I am now a jersey snob. I can no longer bring myself to wear a replica jersey.
Priorities.
So I'll be rockin' the Passionate Power Purple shirt and tie. There may be pics....probably not. But what there will be pics of is any great bastardization of UB's campus in purple.
BTW, the included pic is NOT from the local paper, but from the Washington Post. THE WASHINGTON POST. Here is the greatest season of the Raven's short history and the paper doesn't even pics of how the city is ablazed in purple. Hmmmm....and they wonder why readership is down in the City That Reads.

Monday, January 08, 2007

The Best/Worse Basketball Nicknames

The Best
White Chocolate
Majic Johnson
Dr. J
Big Dawg
Grandma-ma
Pistol Pete Maravich
Air Jordan
The Mailman Malone
King James

The Worst
Reignman Shawn Kemp
The Answer Allen Iverson

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Why I'm Bitter

First of all, I stays bitter. That's number 1. Remember that.

2.) The fucken Redskins won. Bitches. There are so many reasons I hate the Redskins, but that is a totally different blog entry. Next week they play Seattle. Seahawks! Whip....they....ass!!!

3.) The fucken Steelers won too. The fucken Steelers. I despise those bitches. Why? Man...ok, first a little bit of history. When the Colts left Baltimore like a thief in the night on January 14, 1984 (if you are from B-more, you have to add the "like a thief in the night" part. It's mandatory when talking about the Colts. Seriously.), many people made the Steelers their team because of the proximity and the similarities between the cities. Also, during the recession of the 80's, a lot of folks moved from Pittsburg to B-more. Great.
So we have a lot of Steelheads in town and whenever they win on Sunday, you hear about it on Monday. Even better.

4.) Cub Scouts suck!! I'm so sick of that shit. It's so time consuming. The purpose is good for the kids but my heart really isn't in it as a Den Leader. To get together stuff all week for 15 over-privileged kids. I am seriously considering moving my son from the comfy cozy confines of his current Pack to a more gully, ghetto-ridiculous Pack in the hood; in a pack where widdlin' actually means how to cut the handcuff chains off your wrist.

5.) I didn't workout all weekend. I have to do it because I wanna look mad sexy for my graduation party. How close am I? I look like a Black, dredded version of Grimace; the fucken milkshake from McDonalds back in the day. Hot garbage.





6.) When you are single and your woman gets on your nerves, you fire her ass. When you married you have to call Siontz and Kirk, Attorneys at Law. So instead of laying down the pimp hand, you lay down like a bitch. Aint THAT a bitch!

I was talking to someone this weekend about a harem. Damn that would be the shit! Not just sexually either. You go fishing, one of them could bait the hook, hand you the remote, call downstairs for you.....**sigh**
thats just problem exemplified. It would be easier/better to just be asexual. I think I'll work on that for 2006. No coochie, EVER! Just online games, figurines to paint and trade, blogging, work, and the ocassional trip to the driving range. Porn? Strip club? Who needs it when I have Clash of Heros.


Hehhhee. That's funny. I had to stop typing I was laughin so hard....

Friday, January 06, 2006

A Plea to You Monkeys

Ok...I am going to reveal one of my weaknesses. I am a damn glory hog. i like the lime light, and I like acknowledgement. Not necessarily attention, but acknowledgement. So, I'm asking you all to acknowledge my black ass by nominating me for a bloggie. Best Blog? Hell no! I ain't rockin' like that. But I think I am niiice enough for the Best Kept Secret. So instead of looking for boobies on my site, go put your votes in and blow my head up a few more inches. I'm putting my votes in for some of the sites I enjoy too. I'll leave those sites anonymous because I don't know if any of those writers wanna be out there like that. Anyway, put your votes in, and do it before the 10th damnit!

Peace out, monkeys.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Funk

In the immortal words of Steve Hightower and the Hightops:

When the funk, hits the fan
make sure you standing with the band
Gotta get that funk!!
Fo fo-fo funk!!

When the funk, hits the fan
baddest groove up in the land
Gotta get that funk!!
Fo fo-fo funk!!